end of dreaming

I don’t want to be the one who lives here
    but the alien
I want to visit your beautiful country

I don’t want to speak this tongue
    but the alien
I want to hear your beautiful language

I don’t want to share the words used
    to be the one who understands
    but the alien

I don’t want to be able to explain
    who we are
    what is said
    how we do things here

I don’t want to be the one who asks what you think
    of our beautiful country
    but the alien
I want to understand nothing but your laughter

I don’t want to be the one who knows
    who we are
    and who they are
    but the alien

I don’t want to be the one who knows
    what we are
    and what they are

I don’t want to give them the words
    to take out the words they use
    to share the words in their mouths

I want to share in your beautiful laughter
    and to understand in your smiles
    your good will to strangers

I don’t want to be the one with dreams of leaving
    anymore
    but the alien

I don’t want to be the one who hears
    from your beautiful mouth
    you are leaving
    but the alien
who leaves who just leaves who lies down
    and leaves

I don’t want to feel this grief on anyone’s behalf
I don’t want to feel this shame on anyone’s behalf

but I want this grief
but I want this shame

and the shame of grief
    and the shame of shame

[written on the occasion of the shooting

Christchurch 15 March 2019]